From Scrappleface...something to laugh at.

Joined: 04 Jul 2003 Posts: 1337 Location: The Collective

(2003-07-23) -- The National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) announced today that Vermont Gov. Howard Dean would join the agency's next mission to Mars.

The trip to the Red Planet is part of Gov. Dean's presidential campaign strategy which aims to maximize the distance between the candidate and the average American voter.

Gov. Dean, already a vocal opponent of the liberation of Iraq and a proponent of homosexual unions, said he still feels too close to the American voter.

"The other Democrat candidates for president are mere clones of George Bush," said Gov. Dean. "When I'm standing on the surface of Mars, passionately denouncing things most Americans support and advocating things most Americans oppose, people will know I'm the real Democrat in this race."

Rep. Dennis Kucinich announced that he would bolster his own presidential campaign by returning to Roswell, New Mexico, "to receive further instructions from the mothership."

Joined: 04 Jul 2003 Posts: 1337 Location: The Collective

(2003-07-23) -- Now that Saddam Hussein's sons are dead, a panel of journalists has revised the official Iraq Quagmire Index. According to the new benchmark, all violence against Coalition troops should cease immediately, since Uday and Qusay Hussein are gone.

The Quagmire Index is a service journalists provide to establish hopeful expectations for the future. When those expectations are proved wrong by events, reporters and pundits may officially use the term "quagmire" to describe the situation.

Journalists last revised the index when President George Bush declared an end to major combat operations in Iraq. Reporters interpreted this to mean that if any American troops were killed or wounded after that date, then Mr. Bush had lied about the "war" being over, and Iraq was a Vietnam-like quagmire.

Studies of American news consumers show they appreciate the Quagmire Index because it eliminates the need to consider and remember numerous facts. For journalists it saves time, and bypasses the discomfort of careful news analysis.

Joined: 04 Jul 2003 Posts: 1337 Location: The Collective

(2003-07-24) -- About a third of young Germans believe the United States attacked itself on September 11, 2001, and that Adolf Hitler was a Cleveland-born foreign exchange student sponsored by the FBI.

The survey of 1,000 people for the weekly Die Zeit (The Pimple), also showed that most Germans believe the following:
-- The U.S. paid the Emperor of Japan to attack Pearl Harbor in hopes it would lead eventually to more fuel-efficient cars.
-- The U.S. has sponsored four of the last five San Francisco earthquakes.
-- David Hasselhoff really drives a talking car and is the greatest rock and roll singer of the past 100 years.
-- CNN and MSNBC are American news organizations.

Joined: 04 Jul 2003 Posts: 1337 Location: The Collective

(2003-07-24) -- California Gov. Gray Davis today welcomed the opportunity to campaign against a recall attempt saying: "Finally, a job I know how to do!"

"I don't know how to run a state, or even keep it from going bankrupt," said Gov. Davis, "but political campaigning... this I know."

The California Democrat promised that if he retains his job, he will push for a law limiting the governor to 10 terms of one year each.

"Most politicians are good at only one thing -- getting elected," he said. "Once we're in office, we're not supposed to take money or kowtow to special interests or make unfulfillable promises. In other words, we can't use the skills that got us there in the first place."

Joined: 04 Jul 2003 Posts: 1337 Location: The Collective

(2003-07-24) -- If early reports of Uday Hussein's suicide prove true, he may face charges before the International Criminal Court at The Hague for assassinating a state official.

"No one has the right to shoot an ex-government official from an overthrown regime," said a prosecutor at The Hague. "Despite any positive effects of his suicide, Uday must face the consequences of his illegal act."

A trial could begin as early as October, although the prosecutor said it is unlikely that Uday Hussein would be forced to testify.

Joined: 04 Jul 2003 Posts: 1337 Location: The Collective

(2003-07-24) -- William Jefferson Clinton, a professional public speaker, said today that he is officially a resident of the state of California. Mr. Clinton said his move "is" unrelated to the gubernatorial recall election coming up this fall.

"I've always been a Californian in my heart," said Mr. Clinton. "Although I had not heard of the recall situation, I am, of course, a servant of the people. Let the will of the citizens be done."

Joined: 04 Jul 2003 Posts: 1337 Location: The Collective

(2003-07-23) -- Staccato bursts of semi-automatic weapons fire which echoed around the streets of Los Angeles last night had nothing to do with the announcement that Gov. Gray Davis will face a recall election in the fall.

According to an unnamed police source the gunfire was "not celebratory. It was just another night in L.A."

And while there were some mild expressions of joy, many California residents remain stoic, awaiting the outcome of the election.

"I won't believe it until I see pictures," said one unnamed Sacramento housewife. "Get me some video of Davis with his bags packed, being escorted from his office by National Guard troops. I want to believe this so much, but we have been disappointed before."

Joined: 04 Jul 2003 Posts: 1337 Location: The Collective

Dems Offer Alternative to Bush Amtrak Reforms
(2003-07-29) -- Congressional Democrats have offered an alternative to Amtrak reforms proposed this week by President George Bush.

The Democrat plan would transfer the Amtrak budget to a new transit system called Amcanal.

The Amcanal proposal would re-open hundreds of unused canals nationwide, reviving a service which died when the railroads became popular in the 1800s. Canal boats are towed by mules which walk along a "towpath" next to the canal.

Amtrak has lost money every year since its creation in 1971, and currently loses about $1 billion of taxpayer money annually.

An unnamed Congressional aide said the Amcanal plan overcomes many of the problems faced by the failing Amtrak system.

"It's a smoother ride," said the aide. "Canal boats are less dangerous. Collisions are nearly impossible, and the boat can't de-canal. Plus it will create thousands of low-skill jobs for our Democrat constituents."

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) has already begun a campaign to prevent the use of mules as tow-animals on the new Amcanal system.

Joined: 04 Jul 2003 Posts: 1337 Location: The Collective

NFL Orders QBs to Look at Black Receivers First
(2003-07-26) -- A day after the National Football League fined the Detroit Lions $200,000 for failing to interview black coaches when it hired Steve Mariucci, the league has ordered all quarterbacks to consider blacks as primary receivers on pass plays.

Joined: 04 Jul 2003 Posts: 1337 Location: The Collective

U.S. Denies Dead Bodies Are Cheech and Chong
(2003-07-26) -- The White House today denied that the dead bodies said to be Uday and Qusay Hussein are actually actors Cheech Marin and Tommy Chong.

The comic actors, known together as Cheech and Chong, had a string of low-budget hit movies in the 1970s in which they portrayed clueless marijuana abusers.

"I categorically deny that we have the bodies of Mr. Cheech and/or Mr. Chong," said Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. "Didn't they die in the 80s anyway?"

The actors' publicist said, "I've seen the video from Iraq, and I don't think it's my clients. I stopped by to see Cheech and Tommy this morning. We talked for a while. As far as I can tell, they're still alive

Joined: 04 Jul 2003 Posts: 1337 Location: The Collective

U.S. Admits it Faked Hussein Brothers' Deaths
(2003-07-25) -- The White House announced today that the U.S. does not really have the dead bodies of Uday and Qusay Hussein, and the two are still on the loose somewhere in Iraq.

"We showed those fake pictures yesterday in hopes of re-establishing some credibility with the Iraqis," said an unnamed senior White House official. "We just thought we had to do something after we lied about Saddam's weapons of mass destruction. So we figured another little lie might patch things up. But then at a meeting last night, one of our top generals says, 'Hey, what do we say when Uday and Qusay turn up alive somewhere?' And, of course, no one had considered that before."

In related news, a leaked White House memo warns administration staffers to stop lying about things that can be "checked out or verified or disproved."

Joined: 04 Jul 2003 Posts: 1337 Location: The Collective

New Emissions-Free Hummer Runs on Red Meat
(2003-07-29) -- General Motors announced today that it has developed an emissions-free Hummer, a variation of its sport utility vehicle based on the military HumVee. The environmentally-friendly model, dubbed the Hummus, uses no petroleum products, produces no exhaust, and runs on ordinary red meat.

GM revealed it would begin selling the non-polluting vehicle after the Sierra Club launched a web site to mock the gas-guzzling SUV.

"The Hummus has been under development for several years," said an unnamed GM spokesman. "The Sierra Club site just inspired us to get it into mass production faster."

To operate the vehicle, a motorist simply drops a serving of red meat into a compartment next to the driver's seat, and the Hummus will travel up to 50 miles at speeds approaching 70 m.p.h.. Refueling can be performed at any grocery store, or fast food restaurant. A McDonald's quarterpounder works well. In emergencies, fresh road kill can be used as fuel.

"Hummus drivers will find that road kill is relatively easy to acquire," the spokesman said. "The little critters don't even try to get out of the way. They think it's a house or something, until it's too late."

Joined: 04 Jul 2003 Posts: 1337 Location: The Collective

Dem Poll Shows Neptune is Center of Solar System
(2003-07-29) -- A poll released today by the Democrat Leadership Council (DLC) shows that 93 percent of Democrat politicians believe that the planet Neptune is at the center of our solar system. Roughly the same number think that the sun is on "the far right" side of the solar system.

The survey also shows Democrat politicians believe...
-- Vermont Gov. Howard Dean is a "centrist,"
-- George Bush is a radical, right-wing conservative,
-- the United States was wrong to overthrow Saddam Hussein,
-- the Pentagon should be under the authority of the United Nations,
-- taxpayers want to return their tax cuts to the IRS and
-- Americans trust federal bureaucrats to decide how to spend their money.

Joined: 04 Jul 2003 Posts: 1337 Location: The Collective

NEA Hails Wilfredo T. Laboy as 'Symbol of Hope'
(2003-08-05) -- The National Education Association (NEA) today hailed Massachusetts school superintendent Wilfredo T. Laboy as "a symbol of hope for public school teachers."

The NEA said Mr. Laboy's failure to pass a basic literacy test proves that the ability to read and write is overrated; therefore teachers whose students can't communicate in English shouldn't be criticized.

"Communication skills are nice, but you don't really need them to succeed," said the NEA source. "People shouldn't attack the NEA because students can't read and write. The truth is -- it just doesn't matter. Mr. Laboy earns more than $150,000 per year in a highly-respected profession. He's a symbol of hope for many public school teachers."

Joined: 04 Jul 2003 Posts: 1337 Location: The Collective

Dems Reject Nominating Openly-Liberal Candidate
(2003-08-05) -- Democrat National Committee Chairman Terry McAuliffe said today that America is not ready for his party to nominate its first openly-liberal candidate in the post-Reagan era.

"Officially we have a 'don't ask-don't tell' policy regarding liberalism," said Mr. McAuliffe. "No openly-liberal candidate will receive the nomination."

The DNC manual suggests that secretly-liberal candidates refrain from public displays of affection for big government, higher taxes and weaker national defense. Studies show that while mainstream Americans favor tolerance for liberal ideas -- like increasing government control of schools and tax-funded prescription drugs -- they would rather call it something else, like "compassionate conservatism."

Mr. McAuliffe said that none of the top Democrat candidates is openly liberal.

"Everyone knows that Dean is a fiscal conservative," he said. "Lieberman is a social conservative, and John Kerry is a professional Vietnam veteran married to a wealthy heiress. If any of them are closet liberals, they only act on it in the privacy of their offices."

Joined: 04 Jul 2003 Posts: 1337 Location: The Collective

Alliance Sealed: Jenna Bush to Marry Prince of Qatar
(2003-08-04) -- In a move designed to ensure the ongoing alliance between the United States and the Gulf Emirate of Qatar, President George Bush's daughter, Jenna, will marry Sheikh Tamim bin Hamad bin Khalifa al-Thani, the newly anointed crown prince of Qatar.

Sheikh Tamim was elevated to crown prince yesterday by his father Sheikh Hamad bin Khalifa al-Thani, the Emir of Qatar. The President said the arranged marriage would further the rapid progress of democratic reforms in Qatar, and the region.

After the wedding, the President's daughter will officially be called Princess Jenna Aruba Bahama Comon Pyrdi Mama Queen Latifa Celantro Quasi Modo Beluga Klalifa al-Jarreau

Joined: 04 Jul 2003 Posts: 1337 Location: The Collective

Saudi Arabia Legalizes Some Private Thoughts
(2003-08-05) -- Crown Prince Abdullah, the de facto ruler of Saudi Arabia, announced today his subjects may now legally "entertain private thoughts at appropriate intervals."

The monarch's proclamation is part of sweeping reforms aimed at opening up the political process in the kingdom.

Later this year, as part of the modernization movement, the Prince will officially change his name to The Monarch Formerly Known As Crown Prince Abdullah (TMFKACPA).

Fifteen of the 19 terrorists who struck America on September 11, 2001 were Saudi Arabian subjects.

Joined: 04 Jul 2003 Posts: 1337 Location: The Collective

Saudi Arabia Legalizes Some Private Thoughts
(2003-08-05) -- Crown Prince Abdullah, the de facto ruler of Saudi Arabia, announced today his subjects may now legally "entertain private thoughts at appropriate intervals."

The monarch's proclamation is part of sweeping reforms aimed at opening up the political process in the kingdom.

Later this year, as part of the modernization movement, the Prince will officially change his name to The Monarch Formerly Known As Crown Prince Abdullah (TMFKACPA).

Fifteen of the 19 terrorists who struck America on September 11, 2001 were Saudi Arabian subjects.

Joined: 04 Jul 2003 Posts: 1337 Location: The Collective

Episcopal Church Appoints First Openly-Muslim Bishop
(2003-08-04) -- Bishops in the Episcopal Church today approved the election of the first openly-Muslim bishop in the church's history.

The Islamic cleric, who rejects the deity of Jesus Christ, received an overwhelming majority of the vote.

A spokesman for the Episcopal Church said the move demonstrates, "Our church is open to all people, regardless of their beliefs, or whether they accept the teachings of the Bible."

The election of the Muslim bishop comes as the church stands ready to approve its first homosexual Bishop, V. Gene Robinson. Later today, the bishops plan to vote on the election of the church's first openly-atheist bishop.

Joined: 04 Jul 2003 Posts: 1337 Location: The Collective

Dean Hates Bush More Than Kerry Does
(2003-08-04) -- Vermont Gov. Howard Dean announced today that he hates President George Bush more than any of his Democrat presidential rivals do, especially Sen. John Kerry.

"I acknowledge that Senator Kerry has a certain disdain for George Bush," said Gov. Dean. "But my hatred for the president is pure, and deep and wide. My rage about him is unfettered, palpable and savage."

"Americans want to know that the Democrat nominee is no pretender," Gov. Dean added. "Whoever we nominate must really despise George Bush to the core of his being. I am Bush-hate incarnate."

DNC chairman Terry McAuliffe said today that the party will release the official Bush Loathing Index (BLI) for each Democrat candidate later this week.

Joined: 04 Jul 2003 Posts: 1337 Location: The Collective

Lawsuit: California Too Mismanaged to Hold Recall
(2003-08-04) -- Gov. Gray Davis filed a lawsuit today claiming that mismanagement at the highest levels of state government will make it impossible for California to hold a fair gubernatorial recall election this fall.

"California is already $38 billion in debt " the suit claims. "If the public thinks Gov. Davis' team has mismanaged the state budget, imagine how they'll do with a rush job like this election."

The petition before the California Supreme Court contends that the state government is not competent to follow the dictates of state law regarding recall elections, and asks the court to issue an injunction delaying the recall until November 2006.

Joined: 04 Jul 2003 Posts: 1337 Location: The Collective

Axis of Evil Advertises for New Member
(2003-08-06) -- Iran and North Korea and placed a joint advertisement in the Chronicle of Global Terror seeking a new member of the so-called Axis of Evil.

"Since Saddam fell, we're like Charlie's Angels without Farrah Fawcett," said North Korean leader Kim Jong Il, "Two points does not an axis make."

According to reports in a Japanese newspaper, North Korea and Iran are working together to develop long-range nuclear missiles. But it's lonely work, say sources in both countries.

"When Saddam was with us on conference calls, he was always cracking jokes about the downfall of Western civilization," said Mr. Kim. "Then we would all do that Simon Barsinister evil laughter. Ah, memories."

The ad in the Chronicle reads, in part: "Seeking third nation to join Axis of Evil. Must be proficient in nuclear technology, have iron-fisted control of your people, and a burning desire to snuff out the candles of Christianity and capitalism. Some experience required. Will train the right candidate."

Joined: 04 Jul 2003 Posts: 1337 Location: The Collective

NEA Hails Wilfredo T. Laboy as 'Symbol of Hope'
(2003-08-05) -- The National Education Association (NEA) today hailed Massachusetts school superintendent Wilfredo T. Laboy as "a symbol of hope for public school teachers."

The NEA said Mr. Laboy's failure to pass a basic literacy test proves that the ability to read and write is overrated; therefore teachers whose students can't communicate in English shouldn't be criticized.

"Communication skills are nice, but you don't really need them to succeed," said the NEA source. "People shouldn't attack the NEA because students can't read and write. The truth is -- it just doesn't matter. Mr. Laboy earns more than $150,000 per year in a highly-respected profession. He's a symbol of hope for many public school teachers

Joined: 04 Jul 2003 Posts: 1337 Location: The Collective

Dems Reject Nominating Openly-Liberal Candidate
(2003-08-05) -- Democrat National Committee Chairman Terry McAuliffe said today that America is not ready for his party to nominate its first openly-liberal candidate in the post-Reagan era.

"Officially we have a 'don't ask-don't tell' policy regarding liberalism," said Mr. McAuliffe. "No openly-liberal candidate will receive the nomination."

The DNC manual suggests that secretly-liberal candidates refrain from public displays of affection for big government, higher taxes and weaker national defense. Studies show that while mainstream Americans favor tolerance for liberal ideas -- like increasing government control of schools and tax-funded prescription drugs -- they would rather call it something else, like "compassionate conservatism."

Mr. McAuliffe said that none of the top Democrat candidates is openly liberal.

"Everyone knows that Dean is a fiscal conservative," he said. "Lieberman is a social conservative, and John Kerry is a professional Vietnam veteran married to a wealthy heiress. If any of them are closet liberals, they only act on it in the privacy of their offices."

Joined: 04 Jul 2003 Posts: 1337 Location: The Collective

Gubernatorial candidate Arnold Schwarzenegger (who is a Republican) said today that he's running for office because he wants to "give back California."

"Instead of defending our borders against illegal immigrants," he said, "let's just secede from the Union and give back California to Mother Mexico."

California was a province of Mexico from 1821 until the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo ended the Mexican-American war in 1848. It didn't officially join the United States until September 9, 1850.

"We would get more jobs through NAFTA, end the arguments about bilingual education, reduce our taxes and finally have authentic Mexican restaurants," said Mr. Schwarzenegger.

The candidate's campaign staff said the bodybuilder-turned-actor has "lots more great ideas like that."

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