From Scrappleface...something to laugh at.

Joined: 04 Jul 2003 Posts: 1337 Location: The Collective

(2003-07-10) -- Chicago Cubs manager Dusty Baker said he's concerned that U.S. President George Bush's pale skin pigment might cause problems for him during his current tour of African nations.

"He should have sent Colin Powell or Condi Rice," said Mr. Baker, whose recent comments about the superior ability of Blacks to withstand heat have earned him the respect of diversity advocates nationwide. The baseball skipper has now expanded his teaching on the value of epidermal pigmentation.

"Historically, whites prefer cold regions because their pale skin provides better camouflage against the snow," said Mr. Baker. "But Mr. Bush is going to stick out like a sore thumb over in Botswana. To a lion or a cheetah, our commander in chief looks like a big piece of white meat on Thanksgiving."

Joined: 04 Jul 2003 Posts: 1337 Location: The Collective

(2003-07-10) -- People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) has come to the defense of Pittsburgh Pirates player Randall Simon, who faces a misdemeanor charge for using a bat to hit a woman dressed as a giant Italian sausage.

The incident happened during Wednesday's "human sausage race" between innings at a Milwaukee Brewers v. Pirates game. The first baseman swatted the immense sausage, which fell to the turf along with a running hotdog.

"We empathize with Mr. Simon for wanting to put an end to that grotesque spectacle," said an unnamed spokesman for PETA. "Vegetarians and vegans in the crowd were doubtless offended by the sight of animal carcass forms dashing across the field."

PETA offered free legal help to Mr. Simon, and demanded that the Brewers use the "Fruit of the Loom" costumed characters for the races from now on.

Joined: 04 Jul 2003 Posts: 1337 Location: The Collective

(2003-07-0 Cool

-- Islamic Jihad, a religious organization, was chosen by the United Nations as the "World's Most Responsible" non-governmental organization. The choice of Islamic Jihad was easy, according to a member of the selection committee.

"Whenever anything big happens in the Mideast, more often than not, Islamic Jihad is responsible," the unnamed committee member said. "Our research shows that the word 'responsible' shows up in almost every media mention of the group's name."

Islamic Jihad yesterday was responsible for ushering a 65-year-old Israeli woman into the hereafter.

Joined: 04 Jul 2003 Posts: 1337 Location: The Collective

(2003-07-05) -- America's largest teachers' union today called for a return to fundamentals in civics and history, after a new survey revealed that teacher pay is not going up as fast as the union would like.

According to the survey, the average salary last year was about $44,400, leaving many teachers to live a hand-to-mouth existence, wondering where they'll get the money for vacation travel, and new cars.

"We need to make sure young people understand that the right to an ever-increasing taxpayer-funded salary is a basic guarantee in the Constitution," said an unnamed spokesman for the National Education Association (NEA). "We also need to review the articles which specify that a large government bureaucracy will regulate local community schools, and use funding incentives to bring the schools in line with national standards."

The NEA spokesman said the union's members were shocked to hear that high school seniors didn't know that tax-funded government-regulated schooling was among the "unalienable rights" mentioned in the Declaration of Independence.

"We need more cash to improve the teaching of civics and history," said the NEA source. "Our basic freedoms are threatened if we send out a generation of graduates who fail to look to the federal government to take care of them."

Posted: Fri Jul 11, 2003 4:01 am Post subject:

That's some weird, wild, wacky, funny stuff! ~GoodFella

Joined: 04 Jul 2003 Posts: 1337 Location: The Collective

Scrappleface.com is a total hoot!

Joined: 04 Jul 2003 Posts: 1964

The average salary for a teacher is $44,000? And they are complaing about not being able to travel or buy new cars? Have they tried working for Sears on our pay scale? Rolling Eyes

Joined: 04 Jul 2003 Posts: 1337 Location: The Collective

(2003-07-12) -- The New York Times today asked Congress to launch an investigation into all the errors The Times has made during the past 107 years. The request comes on the heels of a Times' editorial demanding an investigation into how a 16-word statement about uranium was allowed into the text of the President's State of the Union Address.

Yesterday, CIA Director George Tenet acknowledged responsibility for not cutting the sentence, which was based on unconfirmed reports from British intelligence. The acknowledgement of wrongdoing and acceptance of responsibility may have been a first for a Clinton appointee.

The Times editorial said Mr. Tenet's mea culpa was inadequate: " Now the American people need to know how the accusation got into the speech in the first place, and whether it was put there with an intent to deceive the nation. The White House has a lot of explaining to do."

Publisher Arthur Ochs Sulzberger, Jr., said the editorial made him realize that the Times doesn't hold itself to the same standard it requires of the White House.

"If we're going to maintain the trust of our readers, "said Mr. Sulzberger, "We must do more than print corrections when we make mistakes. We must enlist outside agencies to launch probes into how incorrect information gets onto the printed page, and whether it was a deliberate attempt to deceive. That's why we're asking Congress to investigate us. Congressmen are revered by the citizenry for their unshakeable integrity. We will submit everything we have published to their scrutiny."

Joined: 04 Jul 2003 Posts: 1337 Location: The Collective

(2003-07-11) -- In an effort to make sure all of his public statements are accurate, U.S. President George Bush said today that he will personally verify all CIA reports before using them publicly.

"I regret that I didn't go to Niger to check out that uranium sale to Iraq story," said the President. "Today I deputized myself as an agent in the CIA. I'll go on deep-cover missions, onto foreign soil, sometimes behind enemy lines to verify all crucial information."

An unnamed Democrat Congressman praised the President for his decision.

"It's important that the President speak only when he has first-hand knowledge," the source said. "He needs to emulate the impeccable record of Congress in this regard."

Joined: 04 Jul 2003 Posts: 422 Location: Woosta

Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2003 6:27 am Post subject:

Very well tought out post DC!
Good thinking! ~GoodFella

Joined: 04 Jul 2003 Posts: 1964

I'm with you, Don!!! Thumbs Up

Joined: 04 Jul 2003 Posts: 422 Location: Woosta

Joined: 04 Jul 2003 Posts: 1964

And what kind of naughty things have we been doing tonight Don? Care to share? Rolling Eyes

Joined: 04 Jul 2003 Posts: 422 Location: Woosta

udon't wnt to know....

Joined: 04 Jul 2003 Posts: 1964

Posted: Fri Jul 18, 2003 12:19 am Post subject:

Joined: 04 Jul 2003 Posts: 1337 Location: The Collective

(2003-07-22) -- U.S. President George Bush today committed 10,000 soldiers and Marines to a U.N. peacekeeping force in Liberia. The decision came immediately after U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan said that a British intelligence report indicates Liberia may have tried to buy uranium in Niger.

A statement from the President to the troops said: "If Liberian President Charles Taylor had done nothing worse than slaughter tens of thousands of his own people, violate U.N. resolutions and destabilize the region, the U.S. would stay out of it. But now that unconfirmed intelligence indicates they might have tried to buy yellowcake uranium, we must go in. That is the only reason we would ever invade another country."

To determine whether the troops will defend the Liberian government or the anti-government rebels, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld will "toss a coin."

The 10,000 troops are part of the new U.S. quagmire force, or Q-Force

Joined: 04 Jul 2003 Posts: 1337 Location: The Collective

(2003-07-21) -- Recently-leaked documents indicate that the U.S. Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) prevented what could have been a devastating attack on the World Trade Center towers in New York City. The documents show that terrorists had planned to hit the towers, and perhaps the Pentagon and U.S. Capitol buildings on September 11, 2001.

A little-known group of Islamic fundamentalists intended to hijack several airplanes and ram them into the buildings, causing untold devastation.

But thanks to the funding increases during the Clinton administration, the CIA had the resources to uncover the plot. It arrested several dozen men who currently await trial for conspiracy to attempt mass murder.

President George Bush acknowledged today that the terrorists are in U.S. custody, and that their arrest has been kept secret to allow the CIA to round up their confederates on several continents.

"September 11th could have gone down as a dark day in U.S. history if it had not been for the solid intelligence work of the CIA," said Mr. Bush. "That's why I always follow the agency's guidance, and have absolute trust in CIA reports."

A spokesman in the CIA's New York office, located on the 99th floor of World Trade Center Two, said he his colleagues were "just doing what we're paid to do...provide reliable information to protect all Americans."

Joined: 04 Jul 2003 Posts: 1337 Location: The Collective

Kofi Annan today named former Ugandan President Idi Amin to head the U.N. Human Rights Commission in absentia.

During Mr. Amin's exciting 8-year rule of the African nation, he helped to slow the population growth and provided steady work for doctors, nurses and undertakers. His innovations in the arena of human rights provide a benchmark for aspiring "presidents for life" everywhere.

"It would be an honorary appointment," said Mr. Annan. "It's just an effort to recognize Mr. Amin's accomplishments. I'm sure the Nobel Peace Prize committee is looking at his dossier now as well."

Diplomats say the appointment of the Ugandan demonstrates the relevance and credibility of the Human Rights Commission.

Mr. Amin currently lies in a coma in Saudi Arabia, where he has been vacationing since his retirement in 1979.

Joined: 04 Jul 2003 Posts: 1337 Location: The Collective

(2003-07-1 Cool

-- The French Ministry of Culture today officially banned the use of the terms 'email' and 'spam' from government documents and web sites. The ruling aims to slow the epidemic of American words which have invaded the French lexicon.

From now on, instead of email, the French must use the term 'courriel,' a contraction of "courrier electronique" (electronic mail).

The term 'spam' which comes from the American packaged meat products industry, will be replaced with the term "snausages," which the Culture Ministry says is "evocative, with a very French sound."

A ministry spokesman acknowledged that the term resembles the name of the American dog snack, but it's pronounced differently.

"In any case," said the unnamed source, "the pet treat Snausages is manufactured by Heinz, and so we have a delightful connection with one of your French-looking Senators, who is married to Teresa Heinz. We think of John Kerry as one of our own. He's even a veteran of a war in one of our former colonies."

Joined: 04 Jul 2003 Posts: 1337 Location: The Collective

(2003-07-1 Cool

-- White House sources say British Prime Minister Tony Blair has sought asylum in the United States to avoid political persecution in his native land.

After his well-received speech yesterday to a joint session of Congress, the stalwart U.S. ally allegedly fled into Secretary of State Colin Powell's office and requested protection from the British government.
DEVELOPING

Joined: 04 Jul 2003 Posts: 1337 Location: The Collective

(2003-07-16) -- The American Psychiatric Association today challenged President George Bush's pre-war claims that Saddam Hussein was a "madman."

The original data for the assertion came from a British dossier which was based on a French summary of an Italian intelligence briefing intercepted by the CIA in Niger.

Experts now say a translation error led to an inaccurate assessment of Saddam's mental state. The original transcript said "Saddam is an angry man." However, after being translated through several languages, the British version stated "Saddam is a madman."

"We believe that Saddam Hussein was a mentally-healthy despot," said the statement from the world's largest psychiatric association. "His strategic, deadly suppression of dissent and intentional genocide program could only have been achieved by a cold calculation which would have been impossible for an insane person."

CIA Director George Tenet immediately released a statement blaming himself for allowing the White House to refer to the former Iraqi leader as a madman

Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2003 12:00 am Post subject:

Joined: 04 Jul 2003 Posts: 1337 Location: The Collective

(2003-07-23) -- Now that a report in Psychological Bulletin has identified the causes of political conservatism, Medicare and most private health plans will soon cover experimental preventative regimens for the syndrome.

According to the study, conservatism is brought on by several psychological factors including fear and aggression, dogmatism and intolerance of ambiguity, and uncertainty avoidance. Researchers emphasized that it is not an ideology arrived at by study, rational discourse and life experience.

"Conservatives should not be debated, anymore than you would try to talk someone out of schizophrenia," said the lead researcher who wrote the journal article. "They are to be pitied, medicated and confined to institutions when necessary."

Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle said he was "deeply saddened" to hear of the plight of America's conservatives. He called on his colleagues to be "tolerant, patient, but never patronizing to those sick individuals on the other side of the aisle."

While there is no cure for conservatism, early intervention by public schools and welfare agencies offers the best hope for prevention

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