Joined: 06 Jul 2003
Posts: 7091
Location: Central CA
| Posted: Wed Jan 10, 2007 4:22 am Post subject: My Life On The Internet | |
A year end introspective. Got most of this from... email. 
A Summary Of My Last Year On The Internet Or How Email Has Changed My Life
2. I also have to scrub the top of every can I drink from now for the same reason. 3. I no longer have any savings because I gave all my money to the little sick boy (Timmy Brown) who's just about to die for the 1,285,175th time after being adopted by truckers. 4. In fact I have no money at all but that will change as soon as Bill Gates sends me that 15,000 bucks for participating in his email tracking program. 5. I no longer worry about my soul because there are 375,000 angels looking out for me. 6. I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are horrible mutant freaks with six breasts, eight legs and no eyes or beaks. Besides I can get the recipe for the 11 herbs and spices just by sending $15 to some nice gentleman in Uganda. 7. I no longer use cancer causing deodorants even though I've been described as smelling like a water buffalo on a hot day. 8. I have learned that none of my prayers will be answered unless I forward an email to ten of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. 9. I no longer drink Coca Cola because it removes toilet stains. 10. I no longer buy gasoline unless I can take some some big dude named Bruno with me to keep serial killers from sneaking into my back seat while I pump gas. 11. I no longer drink Pepsi or Doctor Pepper since these evil companies refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. 12. I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. 13. I no longer try to boil a cup of water in the microwave because the cup will explode while I'm drinking from it and mutilate my face (which might actually be an improvement in my case). 14. I no longer check the coin return slot on pay phones because I could be jabbed by a hidden needle infected with AIDS. 15. I no longer shop at malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. 16. I no longer accept packages from UPS or FedEx since Al Qaeda started targeting simple slobs like me with improvised explosive devices. 17. I no longer shop at Target because they're French, don't support our troops and hate the Salvation Army. 18. I refuse to answer my phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I'll get massive bills for calls to Jamaica, Singapore, Uganda and Uzbekistan. 19. I don't have any sneakers but I will have when I get my free replacement pair from Nike. 20. I don't use anybody's toilet but mine because of the big hairy African spider hiding under the rim waiting to bite me on the ass thereby killing me instantly. 21. With all the advice I have received from Andy Rooney, Charlie Daniels and George Carlin, I now feel that I am prepared to solve all of the problems of the world within a year and still be able to take Saturdays and Sundays off. Now, if you don't forward this message to 47,000 people within the next 47 minutes, a gigantic pigeon with diarrhea will land on your head at exactly 5:47 PM and the fleas from 47 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a large hairy hump. I know because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician. Break the chain at your own peril! |
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Joined: 04 Jul 2003
Posts: 420
Location: Somewhere between here and there...
| Posted: Tue Jan 16, 2007 5:38 am Post subject: | |
I just love some of the emails I get...  If I believed half the crap people sent me I'd have to be locked in a rubber room. And there's probably something scary about rubber rooms that I don't want to know about, going around. 
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Joined: 06 Jul 2003
Posts: 7091
Location: Central CA
| Posted: Tue Jan 16, 2007 5:56 am Post subject: | |
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I've gotten back in touch with a lot of people from my younger days, many of whom I hadn'e seen or heard from in 30-40 years and many of them are forwarders. That is to say that they forward everything they get, usually by just hitting the "all" button on their address book. I get some of the dadgummedest things you could possibly imagine, most with either the promise of some goodie if I forward it on or some dire consequence if I don't.
I got one with a picture of an alleged 40 foot alligator tied onto a truck bed. This alligator was supposed to have been found swimming the streets of New Orleans after Katrina. A couple of problems other than the picture had obviously been photoshopped to make the animal overhang the truck bed: The "alligator" was actually a crocodile and the truck had Australian license plates. |
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Joined: 04 Jul 2003
Posts: 420
Location: Somewhere between here and there...
| Posted: Tue Jan 16, 2007 6:23 am Post subject: | |
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lol
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